Its not me, its you.

"Oh we're so very precious, you and I
And everything that you do makes me want to die
Oh I just told the biggest lie
I just told the biggest lie
The biggest lie"

Updates-
Im working at Dir 16 hours a week
Im going to school at GVSU full time.
I have a billion pages of reading to do everyday.
I have writing assignments.

I don't wash my hair everyday anymore.
Sometimes I don't even shower.
My razor is still sharp.

The bell jar is still my favorite book.
Elliot Smith is still my idol.


I had the worst nightmare ever last night.
It might be sleep paralysis.
Pretty terrifying.
Waking up kicking and feeling like someone has been holding your chest down.
The most disturbing part is that there was an all black figure that was in my room and attacking me, it had no face and it was terrifying. Usually black figures represent demons.
So now I'm convinced that in the next week or so I am going to wake up with stigmata or fucking blood gushing out of my face or eyes. I feel like I'm going to be possessed.
Im not even kidding.
I know no one will take me seriously.

Im still getting fat, but I care less.
Im still funny and i like that.


I am sick of everyone thinking I should be a certain way, and if I'm not the way they think I should be to them I am flawed.
First, I will never make everyone happy.
Second, I don't expect to make even one person happy.
So get the fuck off my case.
Yes, I am flawed, but I'm still Melissa, just not YOUR Melissa.
Because you dont own me.
And I don't owe you.

And this just feels juvenile.

that i feel the need to explain myself.

but i will.

To an extent I expect people to act a certain way, but I realize we are human.
We will all let each other down and fall short of expectations.
I will accept that.
People have been letting me down since I was 2 years old.
I have had a lot of people close to me fall short of responsibility.
And I deal with it by forgetting it.
deleting it, and maybe thinking about it to myself, but not involving the source.
To be honest if your not some one who is close to me my expectations are considerably low and its pretty hard to let me down.
But if you are close to me I will let you know that your falling short, let you know whats on the line, give you a chance or even a few chances.
If I feel like nothing changing.
Im not wasting my time.


Parents. Friends. Family.
I have realized that they are all just human.
At one point they will be disappointed in me.
I will let them down.
They let me down.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't take it personally anymore.
its not me, its you.

So go on and judge me.