If your reading this

i miss you.

Update

+I moved into a studio
+I have a radio and I blast oldies
+I didn't have pink eye
-i had a bruised eyeball, scratched cornea, blood blister in my eyeball...doc vist is going to cost over $200 at least
+My bridge card is in the mail
-work hasn't been giving my hours
-broke city
+My vcr is fully functional again!

Bing Bang Boom Wacky Ding Dongs Volume 2!

Mystery illness day 3.

Grades:
ENG225 85%
ENG226 83% becasue i didnt do the final exam..
ED205 ???
LIB100 A

Packing to this song..

I felt you in my legs
Before I even met you
And when I layed beside you
For the first time
I told you
I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
.....................................................................................
So I am packing.
I'm excited to move.
My head is still like a tornado.
I haven't been able to work at all.
So I'm going to be broke.

there's a shield around us
it's invisible & soundless
& we drink too much & fuck too soon
smoke cigarettes in rented rooms
we quit our jobs & shoot the moon
& cut our wrists & sleep til noon

there's a shield around us
we're invincible & boundless
& we're on the run from I don't know
we're Patty Hearst & Squeaky Fromme
asleep on subways far from home
you'd think we'd never seen a comb

sent a letter to Mom & Dad
Mom & Dad the money's running out
got a letter from Mom & Dad
they didn't send me anything

there's a shield around us
we are heady we are groundless
& we burn our friends & kill their names
build insecure & petty fames
& tattoo things that we believe
stars & skulls & hearts in half-sleeves

there's a shield around us
tell me how is it you've found us
cause we hide our tracks & watch the ground
our footfalls they don't make a sound
we've cursed the names of our hometowns
we're compassless & nowhere bound

sent a letter to Mom & Dad
Mom & Dad the money's running out
got a letter from Mom & Dad
I swear to God they don't get me at all

NEW SUMMER GOALS

- don't lose mind.
-don't give up on self.
-don't run away

Showers

ATTN: the black thing is a cesor bar, not anything fucked up.
The whole thing is fucked up.

All you love is gone but your not alone.

What do I do now?
Anyone?
Advice?

Dear list of things to do this summer:

Make room,
I found theses:Add this

how do you miss

something SO in your face..
wtf?

Yuck

I hate when you wake up and your mouth taste like slime...
WHAT IS THAT!?
I also just don't like waking up.

Oh Baby

Its alright to fail.
Your tongue is twisted
Your teeth are nails.

Its alright to fail
Its alright to fail
Its alright to fail..


Yup yup yup
You did it again,
you fool.
You silly silly
impressionable fool.

Vices:
Beer, smokes, dancing, falling for boys.

Wow, you are rock of love.

How did you..
when did you..
why are you still....

I don't get it Melissa.
I don't understand you anymore.
When did you become such an idiot?
Your not an idiot, you know that, right?
Don't let your giving up pass as stupidity.

Get your shit together and get better vices.

No more strangers in your bed.
No more skeletons in your closet.
No more heart into it.
Walls up.
Face in book.
No bottles in your hand.
No stick between your fingers.
You can still dance though.

School

It never ends.
From this week till the end its paper, paper, paper, exam, exam, exam.
I need to keep it up.
The week after finals I plan on moving to a smaller cheaper apt, does anyone need a room mate?

Then summer plans:
-read, read, read.
-draw, draw, draw
-buy set of water colors
-draw, watercolor, draw, watercolor
-write, write, write
-combine all of above
- hang out with girls
-go outside all day
-ride that bike/ get fit
-get fit/ start ultimate fighting (this may interfere with hanging out with girls, unless they want to fight me, after im fit that is)
-drink and dance
-work 5p-12a
-wake up and do it all over again
-take lots of pictures of everything
-make more yummy food
-wear cut off shorts and tees
-change my oil
-attempt to do above 2 without looking too butch, i mean below 30% butch.

Nerd

So here's a school update:
Test Grades:
100/100
95/100

Papers:
c-
b-
9/10
10/10

Online work:
10/10
10/10
10/10
10/10
5/5
5/5

Attendance
100%

I am a nerd.
I am going to kick this semesters ass.
Not too bad, considering the amount of stress I put myself through thinking I was not ready for Jr. level classes after 3 yrs of not being in school.
I'm not saying I'm awesome or anything, I'm just proud that I actually put all the work and effort into doing something for myself.
Is that horrible?


I did waste my spring break though.
Doing NOTHING.
I made tofu lasagna. That was good.
I rode a bike. It hurt my butt.
I sold some furniture.
I bought padding for my futon so I can actually stand to sleep on it now.

In a whole week that's all I did.
I didn't catch up on homework.
I didn't clean my house, well I kinda did.
OH, I cut my hair.


Uneventful.

good bye tail

i cut it off, but its in my purse

So I accidentally spazed out and bought these ugly ass shoes that I am 100% all about. Good thing I get tax money back.
I have become a compulsive shopaholic.
Good note:
My ugly shoe collection is growing, and my neon green moon boots don't have to be lonely.

they cant all be great

today im just not feeling it
but thats just what happens sometimes
you dont want to leave the bed.
ever.

I mean every thing is fine.
I just feel overwhelmed.
Time goes by way too fast.

+graf orlock -neighbors

+I have all my reading/homework done
-I will just have more tomorrow
+I have been doing pretty well in school
+I ate a banana and an orange last night
-I ate fatty Alfredo today
+it was really f-ing good
+Charles the cat was adorable to me the other morning
+the song "I turn my camera on" by spoon
+dancing
+heat
+i have great ass
-i fail at being even remotely sexy ..ever
+my new shoes
+going to draw at work tonight
+drew funny pics for some cool kids
+Jeff
+Jeff
+never walking alone
+Alex d on the bus
+Shauna's awesome blog
+Melissa
+Matt
+Stand up kinda people
+the kids that will have your back no matter what
-being broke
+fritz the cat
+ Im 24 and funny



I have funny hair.

good shit

So I woke up at 10 am today,
doing that makes me feel like i have my shit together.
Because i do.
I go to school.
I eat.
I walk a 2 miles every tues and thursday.
I work.
I sleep.
I entertain myself.
I drink beer, but not too much beer.
I mean I am up at 10am.
Im happy.
I get my home work done on time.
Everything I have turned in so for has been 100%.
So its good.
I see Matt and Melissa more, and thats always good.
I cut Kyle's hair and he gave me some music.
That was cool.
I ate a blue cheese burger with bacon.
I also ate a veggie burrito.
I feel like there are few STAND UP people who keep their word.
Good job! Thanks. I appreciate it.
I write in my journal.
I have a list of drawings to do.
my house is decently clean.
i did my laundry.
Its almost time for my bath.
Then I take on my day, and I kick the days ass.
Oh and my new shoes might arrive!

jibba jabba

heres my latest, but its actually quite old.

Its not me, its you.

"Oh we're so very precious, you and I
And everything that you do makes me want to die
Oh I just told the biggest lie
I just told the biggest lie
The biggest lie"

Updates-
Im working at Dir 16 hours a week
Im going to school at GVSU full time.
I have a billion pages of reading to do everyday.
I have writing assignments.

I don't wash my hair everyday anymore.
Sometimes I don't even shower.
My razor is still sharp.

The bell jar is still my favorite book.
Elliot Smith is still my idol.


I had the worst nightmare ever last night.
It might be sleep paralysis.
Pretty terrifying.
Waking up kicking and feeling like someone has been holding your chest down.
The most disturbing part is that there was an all black figure that was in my room and attacking me, it had no face and it was terrifying. Usually black figures represent demons.
So now I'm convinced that in the next week or so I am going to wake up with stigmata or fucking blood gushing out of my face or eyes. I feel like I'm going to be possessed.
Im not even kidding.
I know no one will take me seriously.

Im still getting fat, but I care less.
Im still funny and i like that.


I am sick of everyone thinking I should be a certain way, and if I'm not the way they think I should be to them I am flawed.
First, I will never make everyone happy.
Second, I don't expect to make even one person happy.
So get the fuck off my case.
Yes, I am flawed, but I'm still Melissa, just not YOUR Melissa.
Because you dont own me.
And I don't owe you.

And this just feels juvenile.

that i feel the need to explain myself.

but i will.

To an extent I expect people to act a certain way, but I realize we are human.
We will all let each other down and fall short of expectations.
I will accept that.
People have been letting me down since I was 2 years old.
I have had a lot of people close to me fall short of responsibility.
And I deal with it by forgetting it.
deleting it, and maybe thinking about it to myself, but not involving the source.
To be honest if your not some one who is close to me my expectations are considerably low and its pretty hard to let me down.
But if you are close to me I will let you know that your falling short, let you know whats on the line, give you a chance or even a few chances.
If I feel like nothing changing.
Im not wasting my time.


Parents. Friends. Family.
I have realized that they are all just human.
At one point they will be disappointed in me.
I will let them down.
They let me down.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't take it personally anymore.
its not me, its you.

So go on and judge me.

not giving a fuck

I don't give a fuck.